this week has been immensely busy, but it's been really good which i am so thankful for... i was able to grade on 2 exams, my pediatric chest (on a 8 month old) and my trauma lower extremity which was a knee. i haven't gotten my final grades, but i feel pretty good about them.

tonight i'm going OUT for the first time in a while.. i feel so much better than i have in a long time. things seems to be getting back on track well except for my last pay check being lost in the mail.. that has been such a headache..... but i'm feeling good & i can't help but be grateful for that. 

i've been doing all right, i suppose. christmas came, christmas went. saw jeremy's parents for a little while on christmas eve & then went on to Mary lou's. grandma spent the night here with us & rob fried us up some turkeys & then later went to m'lous (different than mary lou).  christmas was really basic & quiet for the most part & that was probably the best part.

i guess i've sort of been on a mini vacation of sorts. really, i've only been across town dog/house sitting for denise.
i can't say i've been in the best of moods. i've been off & almost awkard feeling for the most part. my emotions are all over the charts & is mostly due to jeremy. truthfully we haven't been doing well for some time now. we haven't been doing BAD, per say-- actually we are doing good at the moment... but i just don't know that if i am so unhappy with myself, that i am refusing to be happy with him. it's so hard to explain. i know money & the future is the problem between us. jeremy's flat ass broke & in the negative & having to borrow hundreds from me who just lost my damn job. i can't imagine what my parents would do/say if they ever found out. we both have so much weighing in on us. situations & circumstances are really doing numbers on us physically, financially, & emotionally. i just feel like the passion for US is waning. i don't really know what to do.... we argue alot., but we laugh alot. i don't get it. one moment i am actually strategically planning out how i am going leave him & the next i cannot help but wonder how i would ever entertain such a thought.

we've been over things, a million times. nothing changes & i am not even saying it's all his fault.

things really are not the same.... not like they used to be.

i am coming to realize that there is a difference in how i feel for him... & alot of it is dependent on how i take care of myself. if i am being proactive & exercising, eating right.... i feel more at peace with us & i feel like we can make it through anything. it's hard to explain.

i love jeremy with all of my heart & there's not even a "but" here. things are just really tough & emotions are constantly running everwhere. he almost always seems sure of us tho.  even tho lately he's admitted sometimes he doesn't know if we are going to make it. & as cliche as it sounds, i'm beginning to think that maybe it really is me.

i'm trying to do the right thing here tho & stick it out even tho times are not so good. we all have our dark times & the Lord knows jeremy should almost be given sainthood for all that he has dealt with, for me.

i'm just scared tho. i love him i love him i love him so much. but it hasn't been just days or weeks, it's turning into months now to where things are just not as good as they once were. i'm  just not ready to let go of 3 and a half years. i'm just not.

i've used this journal for around five years now;
& i think it's time to lock it up.


i write for me & for me only.


life's just passing by so quickly, & i'd like to think i'm gonna look back at this one day & remember these things.




if you care to read, let me know.